Today I am 20 weeks and as you can tell from the pics or well the words around the I found out I’m having a girl today! I really really wanted a girl but I didn't want to say really really before I knew had the child been a boy he might have been sad if he ever came across this blog. Not that I would have not loved a boy just as much in fact part of me wanted twins a boy and a girl but just a small tiny part. Now comes the hard part of choosing a name. Mike and I were so set on David and now that is not to be and since there is no girl form of David that I can tell mike and I get to express our very different opinions about girl names. I think mike thinks we are French the first two names he suggested were Auralin and Amille' I will have to think those over but they seems weird to me so far I like Chloe Renee Eva Lilly Lydia Leah Julianne and I like Kayle or Kalie or however I would spell it My favorite name in the whole world for a girl was always Katie I'd been planning on having a Katie since I was16 or so but my nice is already named Katie and she already has a cousin named Kate so hopefully Kaelie or Kaylee or Kaelee won't be too close to Katie I dunno good thing I have some time.
The past few weeks have been rough and I haven't wanted to record much about them mostly because I don't like confirming to the world that I can be a big ole grumpy pain in the bum but I will humble my self so that perhaps others can learn from my experiences. These hormones are doing a number on me. Normally I’m a peace maker and a problem solver presently I am combative and on edge lots/most of the time and when I am not that way I am the brainless wonder well lets say the short term memory less wonder. Mike will tell me the same thing over and over and over again and I end up either remember it wrong or I can’t recall him saying anything about it at all. It doesn’t' help that we are both very stressed out over school right now. It makes up both more prone to justify our cause reasonable or not when ever I pick a fight or really start to squabble, we just both disagree and pout about it and say BUT YOU. . . . . and DON’T I ALWAYS. . . ECT. Really we both sound like annoying teenagers I’m sure.
It is so hard to become your worst self right at the moment you want to become your best self. In the Mormon culture the most noble and divine role you can play is to be a mother, a house wife is the highest position a woman can hold, not because she needs to be barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen, but because of her Godlike qualities of kindness and gentleness, being a natural nurturer, and having an innate ability to teach God's children in the most loving way. In short I never learned anything in my church that wasn't part of helping me get my future family back to heaven. I love it! IT is the best way of life I can imagine. I have wanted a strong close family my whole life. my earliest life goal was to bring children up under the principles and ordinances of Christ and now at the time when I want to be most Christ like the time and am trying to make sure every thing I learned in my youth is ready to put into action these hormones turn my into the most un Christ like person I can remember being in my whole life. I feel lazy and selfish and combative, I feel to cast blame on others and criticize them it makes me incredible sad to have my natural response be so. . .EW it really bugs me and makes me cry and be more hormonal than ever. God made us women this way and I am under the impression that perfect people don’t make mistakes so there must be a good reason for it if any body knows pass on the wisdom because I really can’t remember anything I learned in Sunday school that makes it ok to act so B--- or umm not nice. ( I would never say a mean word that started with a B just so you know I was just fakin you out)
